"Mrs. G - I like your jeans"

"Thanks B, these are my old, fat lady jeans. Super comfy though!"

"Mrs. G, you're not fat."

"You're sweet, but yes I am. I'm okay with it."

"You know what I do when my friends say they're fat?"

"Punch them in the face?"

"Yep. Are you my friend, Mrs. G?"

"That's a negatory babe."

(silence accompanied by a surprisingly menacing glare)

"You're my kiddo and I heart you, but we're not going to go to the mall on the weekends."

"Are you fat Mrs. G?"

(combination of star-down and eyebrow lifting contest)

"... no ma'am."

Life's Labor ...

Placenta-tastic
(click comic above - wicked funny)

In Child Development we were going over the stages and process of labor. Of course, there are a thousand questions. Some okay, some creepy, some "whoa, what?" A sampling of my favorite questions and responses:

#4
"I know that contractions are supposed to be like cramps, but I already get really bad cramps ... " [question?]
"Uh ... it will get worse. Much worse."
"Dang, I never wanna have kids then."
"Good."

#3
"THAT's 10 centimeters?!?!?! I thought that it was 10 inches!"
[Insert somewhat sinister laugh] "Nope, that's why giving birth is a process, not a water slide."

#2
"Is it true that everyone poops?"
"Yes, I believe there's even a book about it ..." [insert giggles from me and my students]
"No, I mean when they're giving birth."
"Ooooooh. Nope, but lots of people do. It's not that big of a deal - they typically expect it actually."
"Gross. I wouldn't, I'd be so embarrassed."
"I imagine you'll be more concerned with trying to squeeze an 8 pound baby through your vagina."

#1
"The third stage is the delivery of the placenta."
"What does it look like?"
"Um, a cross between a raw cow's liver and a bloody booger."
"Eeew [pause to think] What do they do with it?"
"Well, usually it's just disposed of as medical waste, but sometimes people take it home."
"Why?!"
"Some people plant a tree over it so that the nutrients of the placenta will nourish the new tree. Some people even eat it. I found a recipe online once for placenta lasagna." [Entire class makes gagging sound]
"Can you buy them?"
"No, you have to grow your own."

And just like that ...

I'm happy to report that my students and I have a very healthy, joke-based relationship. It's a good stress reliever (especially when they think I'm kidding when in reality I'm calling them out on some dumb-ass thing they just did.)

One of my favorite examples of this phenomenon is found in my class on almost a daily basis. Allow me to set the scene: one teacher, 25+ students, classwork (not homework) being passed out and explained.

Kids set to their default whining, "Mrs. G - can I just do [insert BS, lazy short-cut here]?" "Nope" "Why not?" I used to explain things to them about the learning process and Bloom's Taxonomy and how this method will help them learn better than if I just gave them a worksheet or something. About halfway through my explanation eyes would glaze over and I'm fairly sure more than one child entered some sort of suspended-animation state of unaware existence.

I have learned my lesson, my mother was right (don't tell her). Some variation of "because I said so, so shut-up and do it" gets the job done with less work on my part and less drooling on theirs.

Back to the situation: classwork handed out, student looking for short-cut, answer is no, kid wants to know why.

New standard response: "Because I'm old and mean." Inevitably this is followed by a sympathetic but unthinking, "Aw, Mrs. G - you're not mean!" Ouch. "And you're not passing anymore!" A giggle reassures me that they think I'm kidding - just wait for the progress report kid ...